Matthew had been gone for two hours and she had already started feeling awesome once again. She had been really in love with him, or that was what she had thought. But the fights made her doubt about it. He had been so supportive with everything and anything at the beginning, and then everything changed. He seemed to want totally different things from what she wanted and he even didn’t try to understand her points and explanations. She missed those times when she actually enjoyed coming early to her home to find her so loved husband waiting for her, so they could have dinner together and watch a movie or have a little walk. But now, everything had changed. She didn’t like coming home early anymore. She knew there would no be nice dinners and watching movie hugging each other. She did rather to stay at the set, to work harder, to go out with the cast, but to come home. It didn’t feel like home anymore actually. It was just a nice house really well decorated. She didn’t feel like herself there. She acted so quiet and shy, practically didn’t talk, she didn’t laugh loud, but little smiles. But Matthew was going to be gone for a week and a half and although he had been away for only a couple of ours she felt like herself again.
She had put a CD on and entered the bath, full of bubbles and hot water. She wanted to relax, and she knew that jazz and a good immersion bath was the best combination possible. Shivers traveled through her body as her skin touched the hot water, but as time passed by, she was getting used to it. She was enjoying her time alone. The house was in silence, but the sound of the music. She couldn’t help but smile when Moon River started. She knew Chris liked it and although they were still shooting the third season, Michael Patrick had told her about a little special scene between Carrie and Big and that song in the fifth season. She smiled at the thought of Chris. Chris and her had shot the scenes of the affair between Carrie and Big almost a week ago, but she couldn’t get it out of her mind. She had to admit Chris had always had some kind of effect on her, but this time she had realized she seriously had the same effect on him. She trembled a little bit as she remembered the feeling of Chris body on her. Everybody said thousands of times that they were amazing actors and their chemistry was amazing. She had actually never doubted about it, but after that scene, she was totally sure about those things. The passion and the tension that had been in the air while they kissed in that big white-sheeted bed was something really hard to ignore, even harder to pretend wasn’t there. It had been the more difficult scene ever, it was necessary all herself control, as much as his. But they had ignore the hotness, the goose bumps and shivers and finished the scene perfectly and then laughed and talked with the team as they always did. But there was something in their eyes that had always been there kind of asleep, but was now totally awake. Lust. Passion.
Sarah had gone to her camerino and looking for her clothes to leave the set, although she really had wanted to stay there. She needed to escape, she wasn’t sure if her self-control would be that strong if she met Chris again. But then her door opened without being knocked and Chris entered her camerino. “We need to talk” he had told her, but he wasn’t able to ignore the fact that she was only wearing the black underwear from the scene. She smiled a little bit and covered herself with a coat. “Thank you” Chris had told her, smiling back. “You’re married, those things shouldn’t happen” he had said, trying even to convince himself. She had agreed with him to pretend nothing had happened between them and go on with their friendship, but they both knew it was impossible.
She wasn’t sure about what to do. Her marriage wasn’t a happy one, but they had made their vows and she wouldn’t like Matthew to break one of them. She tried to convince herself that she was going to be able to pretend that physical attraction with Chris didn’t exist, but as the little flashbacks of their last scene together came to her mind, she was doubting more and more about it. And she couldn’t help it, she picked up her mobile phone and wrote a little sentence “I’m in the bath and couldn’t help but think of you” and not being sure about it, she send the text anyway. She closed her eyes, trying to relax, but she was waiting her phone to vibrate and she jumped a bit when it finally did, making noise because of its contact with the floor. “Hope you are having a good time ;) ” he had replied. She laughed, as she smiled him saying those words and then winking his green eyes to her. “I’m just listening to jazz” she had replied. Not actually waiting for a response, she got surprised when her mobile vibrated again. “Would you like a bottle of wine?” She couldn’t believe her eyes. She didn’t know what to answer. It was just a bottle of wine, they were friends. “I’ll be ready in 20” she texted, quickly, before she was able to regret what she was going to do and changed her mind. She got out of the tube and walked towards her bedroom. She chose a white shirt and a black trouser and black heels. She looked good, but not as she had tried so hard on it. She put perfume on her skin, three times and a little of lipgloss and tied her curls in a messy ponytail. The bell rang a moment later and she tried not to run to the door. She opened it and smiled. He opened out his arm, giving her the bottle of red wine, making her laugh. They gave each other two little kisses on the checks and walked to the kitchen. She opened the bottle of wine while he was looking around, watching the pictures on the walls and the books on the shelves. “I like it, it smells good” he said, when she walked to him to give him the glass of wine. “Thank you” he said winking at her. “Well… I’m not actually good at cooking, but I think we should eat something” she said, walking to the living room as he walked behind her, trying to focus on anything but her little shape. She let herself fall on the couch, pointing him the one next to hers. “You like pasta? It should be a good combination with the wine” she said, drinking another sip. “Did your combination work?” He asked, looking at her. She smiled at him and lifted up and eyebrow. “The bath and the jazz, if you know what I mean” he said, with a grin on his eyes. “Yes actually, it was really relaxing and then you came to my mind” she said, joking, but it seemed he didn’t get her joke or didn’t want to get it. “I interrupted your fun and relax time. Is there any way I can fix it?” He asked. She looked to the floor, not knowing what to answer so she laughed, quietly in a nervous way. She got up from the couch to opened the window. When she turned around to ask him about the pasta again, he was standing only a feet away from her. “Is there any way I could fix it?” He asked her again, getting even closer to her. “Kiss me” was all she had managed to say. And so he did, with all the passion that had lived inside him for the last three years. And although they both knew they ended sleeping together in the big couch, in the bed, in the bath. There was barely no room in the house they haven’t made loved in.
That morning Sarah felt tired, she hadn’t slept well. So she decided to change her routine. She opened the tap and let the bath to get full of hot water. Matthew was taking the children to school so she had time. But everysingle time she used the bath, after that day she had texted Chris while being in it, almost 11 years ago, she couldn’t help but think on Chris. They had finished their affair years ago, but were now really good friends. She usually went to his premiers and he was always there in hers. They really had loved each other, but they both knew they couldn’t be together, so they became almost best friends.
Sarah had been thinking about calling him since she went out of the bath that morning, but she hadn’t done it since no good excuse came to her mind.
She had been talking with her manager on the phone almost all day because she really wanted a new project, so she didn’t get surprised when it rang again. “Hey” she said. But it wasn’t her sweet manager who answered on the other side of the line. “Hello beautiful” Chris voice told her.
It was ironic. Just like her life the past weeks. He hadn’t called for ages but now here he was. On the phone. Talking to her. “Hey big men.” she said with a smile on her face. Sarah sat down on the couch and wrapped a bit of her hair around her finger. “Haven’t heard of you in a while. How are you doing?” How was she doing? Good? Not the good? Better? What was she supposed to say? “Well, I’m quite good actually. How about you?” “I’m fine, beautiful. But you’re quite good doesn’t sound very honest.” She could barely hold her bright smile back and laughed a bit. “No, it’s okay. I’m doing good.” “Well, I’ve seen you on the news. They discussed your new style and I thought, why not call her.” “Very nice. And what new style? I just changed my hair.” “You did. And you’re not looking that tired anymore.” Another laugh of hers but it was only there to overcome the awkwardness. “You’re really fine, beautiful? I know we haven’t talked in some time and we haven’t seen each other in what feels like years, but we’re still friends, right? You can still call me.” “I know, I do… things have been a bit stressful but it’s getting better.” She thought about telling him. Maybe it would help to tell at least another person of the divorce but she hesitated. Yes, he had been her friend for a very long time now but she didn’t want to tell him such a message on the phone. “Why don’t we meet for dinner some time?” “Sounds great to me. Do you want to come over? Tara is a fantasic cooker, you know.” “Okay, when?” “Depends on when you do have time.” She thought about it. This evening she would see Ben. Ben. For a moment her thoughts completely drifted away. Then she reminded herself that Chris was still waiting for an answer. “What about tomorrow?” “Tomorrow is fantasic. You want to bring someone along?” “No, only me.” Awesome, I see you then.” “Yes, see you tomorrow. Bye.” He hang up.
No, she didn’t want to bring someone along. The kids would already be asleep when she left and Matthew wasn’t really an option. No, she would go alone. Would enjoy the company of Chris and his wife. Despite what many people thought, she actually liked Tara. She was a good wife, Sarah knew that.
“Muuuuuuummy.” A scream pulled Sarah out of her thoughts. “Hello my darlings.” She hugged the two little girls that stood smiling in front of her. Each of them got then a kiss on the forehead and they run back to put their coats in the wardrobes. Matthew entered the livingroom and Sarah just let out a little ‘hey’. He greeted her with nodding his head and then stood still. Slowly Sarah raised an eyebrow. She knew that he was about to ask something. “What is it?” “I was just wondering if you’re out this evening again? Mayb we could have some dinner together?!” For a short moment, Sarah almost felt sorry for him. She knew very well that he hadn’t imagined the marriage like this either but she just couldn’t help herself anymore. Over the years she had made many compromises but she couldn’t make any more. “Actually I’ve got a meeting.” “Oh I see. Well, I was just asking.” He nodded again and then left the room. For another quick moment Sarah felt something like guilt, but then it was gone once again. He hadn’t felt guilty for her once all over the years. There was no reason why she should feel guilty now. The twins came back to the room and sat down next to their mum. Sarah hugged them both and asked how their day had been. A little grin came over the face of the twins and then they started to talk. They talked an hour without stopping, without even close to stop at all. But Sarah didn’t mind. Hearing the two girls talk with their not so perfect English was just the cutest thing ever. Never in a million years she would want to miss this. When they finished, Sarah smiled at them. “Seems to me like you both had a really good day, hm? How about mummy makes some pancakes later so that the day gets perfect, hm?!” The girls screamed in joy and Sarah laughed. It was so easy to make them happy.She only wished that everything would be as easy as this.
She sat at the table with the girls and they were eating like they hadn’t eaten something in ages. Matthew was with James still out- football training. She enjoyed it to be together with her twins without Matthew although she dearly missed James. When the twins finished, Sarah told them to get in the bathromm so that they could take a bath. They both giggled and then run away. Sarah shook her head and cleared away the table. Matthew could do the dishes later.
She followed the girls into bathroom and let some warm water into the tube. The girls, still giggling and laughing, gave Sarah meanwhile their clothes.
After they were finished with the bath, Sarah told the girls to get into their room and promised to read a fairytale story when they behaved well. They run away and Sarah herself went into the bedroom to take a look at what she could wear. She chose a black dress, not very long nor too short. She put it on and went into the bathroom again to make her Make-Up look fresher. As always she didn’t do much so that it didn’t look like she brought too much effort in it, but it looked well though.
It didn’t take Sarah quite long, but her twins were calling after her though. She climbed up some stairs and entered the twins bedroom. “Okay, little dearies, which fairytale stories?” The twins screamed different kind of storys and none of them were understandable, so at the end Sarah chose for herself. “How about Snow White, hm?” The twins nodded and Sarah sat down next to them. “Once Upon a Time…”
When Sarah finished, both of the girls were asleep. Sarah watched them and felt once again lucky to have them. She gave both twins a slight kiss and then left the room.
Matthew was just about to enter the apartment and James was with him. “Hello my boy. How was training?” “Good.” Was the only answer she got and then he went up into his room. Sarah turned around for a second and then looked at Matthew “What happened?” “I don’t know. Until now everything was fine.” She could here the accusation and swallowed. “Right, my fault, sorry… I almost forgot that everything that happens in this house is my fault.” With these words she left the apartment. Yes, she felt sorry for James but she couldn’t be together with Matthew any longer. She would talk to her boy later. Besides she was already late and what she was doing was for the best interest of all of them. ‘No need to feel guilty, Sarah’ were the words she repeated when she walked away to get a cab.
She arrived to the buffet faster than usually. It was later, so traffic was kind of quiet. At least, as quiet as you can expect it to be in a city that never sleeps, like New York. She knocked on the door and Ben opened it after only a couple of seconds. “The guard called sick again?” she said, smiling as she passed him by, entering the buffet. “Not actually, I told him he could go earlier” he smiled her back, and gave a little kiss on her check. “Have something in mind?” she said while walking next to him. “Maybe” he said, opening the door of his office for her. “Come here” he told her, opening out his arms so she walked towards him and hugged him, before letting her lips to meet his. She felt so strong yet so small between his arms. “Your mind is a mess, Sarah” she told herself. She wanted so badly her freedom back, but she felt so good in Ben’s arms she wanted to never leave them. He realized her mind was away, and he took her face in between his hands and made her look at him, directly to the eyes. “Everything’s okay?” he asked, with that cute I-care-about-you tone in his voice that made her smile not only with her lips, but with her eyes too. “Yes, everything’s fine. Sorry” she said, trying to separate her body from his. She shouldn’t be getting attached to him, she shouldn’t be getting used to the feeling of his arms wrapping her. “Don’t be” he said, holding her closer, not letting her to walk away from him. He kissed her again, softly. She liked it, but she didn’t want it to start being about feelings and cute kisses or holding hands. She wanted all those things, but wanted more her freedom back. So she deepened the kiss, allowing his tongue to play inside her mouth. “Mhh, I think I quite like what you had in mind” she said, trying to unzip his trousers. He laughed, and separated his body from hers, making her feel empty and rejected. “Don’t look at me with that puppy face” he told her, making her smile. She sat down on the chair, crossing her arms on her chest, like a little kid who didn’t get the toy she wanted. “Actually, I had something else in mind, but your idea isn’t bad” he said, making her smile again. “I listen, but then we discuss my idea” “Deal” “It’s not hard to convince you, huh? Maybe I should hire another lawyer” they laughed. He was going to tell her that she was the one who had that kind of power over him, but he just thought it would be just reveal too much, too soon. “Everybody knows I’m a divorce lawyer” he told her. “I know, that’s what I came to you. Everyone says you’re the best” “I’m not sure I’m the best one, but I’m well known and that’s exactly why you can’t keep coming to my office” he said, with a serious look in his eyes. Was he telling her that he didn’t want to work with her anymore? Could that be true? “You don’t want to be my lawyer anymore. Why?” she asked him, looking worried and hurt. He laughed out loud, making her look angry now too. “It’s not funny” she told him, hitting him in his arm. “You’re just so cute” he said to her, squeezing her checks, making her lips to stand out and then left a little kiss on them. She smiled, looking more relaxed. “Could you explain yourself, Mr?” she asked, still worried. “I still want to be your lawyer, but you can’t keep coming to this office” he explained. “Well, this is your office” “I know, but I’m renting a new one since next week. There’s no going to be guards, painting on the walls or expensive desks, but we’re going to be able to work and no one is going to know I’m there” “You’re doing this for me? You’re renting a new office because of me?” she said, pointing herself with her finger. “Well… you’re a public person and I don’t think it’s good for your image to enter to this buffet almost three times a week” “So, why do you rent a new office? Why not to meet at your house?” “It wouldn’t be good for your image either, and you know it” he said, biting his lips because she actually looked cute. She leaned towards him and started kissing him again. He cared about her and she couldn’t find another way to thank him. “We need to talk about the divorce. That’s why you’re here” he remembered her. “Right. You’re not letting me kiss you tonight, are you?” she asked and made him laugh a bit. “I want the children to be with me. I want to stay in the house. I was the one who wanted to buy it, I was the one who decorated it and I’m not even sure Matthew likes it” she explained, getting all serious suddenly. He liked the way she started worrying when it came to her children. “I’m gonna add that to the document. You were the one who bought it?” “Well… the only thing we don’t fight about is money. My money is his, his money is mine. It’s the only thing that still works, I guess” she said, but he couldn’t tell if her tone was nostalgic or she found it kind of funny. “But it’s under my name” “That makes things way more easy. You should send me a copy of the house deed” “I can give it to you in person, don’t worry” “I like that idea better” he was the one that kissed her this time. “Control yourself, mister, we’re working here” she said, arranging her skirt. “You haven’t talked with your husband about the divorce yet, right?” “With Matthew? Not actually” she replied. He liked the way she didn’t talk about him as her husband; it made him feel way less guilty about the feeling of warmth that came over him just of seeing her playing with her nails. “Well, that’s good. I was thinking maybe you shouldn’t talk with him about it and just send the letter of divorce to him” “His lawyer is going to have to answer quickly. So they would have less time, right?” “Exactly” “I want it that way. How long should it take?” “Well… I guess that if you send… sorry, give the papers to me in two days, everything’s going to be ready in a week or week and a half” She smiled. Knowing that in less than two week she would be able to stop pretending she still wanted to be with Matthew made her happy. More than anyone could imagine. She knew it was not going to be the end, and things were actually going to be more difficult since Matthew read the letter, but she didn’t care. She has been facing hard things over ten years. A couple of weeks shouldn’t be that hard. “Thank you” “You don’t have to thank me, I’m doing my work” She got up and sat on his lap. She kissed him in a way he couldn’t describe with words. She was so cute yet so passionate at the same time. She made him feel desire to take her right there but desire to protect her from the world and take care of her. He couldn’t believe how she managed to make him feel those totally different things at the same time. He had never felt that way before. She really wanted to go further, but something stopped her, so she kept kissing him, loosing track of time. “Thank you for that” she told him, with her forehead pressed to his. They got up and trying to ignore the overwhelming feelings that were still on their bodies, they walked to the door. “I’m going to text you the address of the new office. I’ll see you there in two days” he said, before opening the door to her. “I’ll see you there” she replied and left the building.
She slid into bed, next to Matthew, not sure if he was already asleep. “Good night, Ben” she wrote, feeling like a silly girl and pressed the send button before being able to change her mind. She didn’t know what was she doing. She didn’t want to fall for him, but yet she didn’t want it to be just work and sex either. She would find out later, she told herself and tried to sleep.
She had taken the children to school and sought them out after. She had helped James with his homework and played guitar hero with him. She knew she wasn’t getting his boy back just by playing with him, but it was a beginning. “It was kind of fun mum” he had told her. “You said that cause you won, every single time” she said, making him laugh. “I can teach you if you want” he offered her. “Would you do that? I like the idea” they smiled and she rocked his hair softly. She left the room to find Matthew entering the house. She was wearing a pair of skinny grey jeans a black tank top and blue shoes and jacket. “You’re neither having dinner with us tonight, right?” “Chris and Tara invited me for dinner” she explained herself, not knowing why she did anyway. “Oh, have a good time” he told her. She picked her purse and left the house. The chauffer was waiting for her and drove in silence to Chris house.
She had never been there before. She knew his apartment, but had never been in the house they had bought with Tara. She knocked the door and smiled when she saw Chris opening it. “Hey buddy” she told him, and hugged him. “It’s good to see you, you look good” he told her, always having that grin in his eyes. “Well… you look good too”. He looked amazing actually, but he was now a married man, so she controlled herself. “Come in” he told her “It’s cold outside, let’s get you warm” she smiled. No one would have ever got the tone of that little phrase, but she did. It was always the same way with Chris. They didn’t say anything that could jeopardize them or their relationships, but the flirting was always there. They sat at the couches and started talking. They had met like three months ago, but it felt like years for them. No one could ever say they were having a bad time. Tara walked down the stairs and found them laughing out loud of some private joke she didn’t get. “Hey, I guess you remember Sarah” Chris told her “It’s impossible to forget her” Tara said, walking towards Sarah to kiss each other once in each check. Tara had met her in a premier like two years ago. Of course she knew who Sarah was; everybody loved Sarah and her style. But she could never forget the way Chris and her laughed and looked at each other. Everybody said they were just good friends but she had felt there was something more intimate between them. And two years later, that feeling was back.
Tara sat down next to her husband and smiled at Sarah. “So how are you doing?” “Good actually, thank you and you?” “I can’t complain.” “Glad to hear that!” It was getting awkward. Moments before Chris and her had laughed and now there was silence. At the same time she felt sorry for Tara. She didn’t want the woman to think that she just interrupted. “So yes, I’m thinking about taking the new project.” “I can totally imagine you as… lawyer.” Sarah couldn’t help but laugh. Ever since she had told him that it could be possible she played a lawyer in her new movie, he made a joke out of him. “Come on. It can’t be so unlikely to imagine me as a lawyer.” “No, of course not… I mean a fashion lawyer, that’s what the court needs.” They all laughed. Sarah shook her head a bit, she wasn’t mad, of course not… she knew that he didn’t mean anything he said so far.
“So dinner is ready. You think, we can eat?” Tara asked and Chris and Sarah nodded.
The dinner was delicious and they laughed a lot. Sarah had tried to include Tara as much as possible in the conversation between her and Chris which hadn’t been very easy because Sarah and Chris just had shared so much together.
At the end they all sat together in the livingroom again. Before Sarah had arrived here she had actually thought about telling them everything. With everything she also meant the divorce. But now she wasn’t quite sure anymore. The atmosphere was awesome, there was just no way she could destroy that. Chris noticed that Sarah sometimes left the room with her thoughts. He couldn’t help but wonder what she was thinking about.
“So what else is going on?” He asked and Sarah looked at him. At first she shook her head as though she wanted to say nothing, but decided to change her mind immediately. “You know, there is no need to talk about this this evening.” “Oh come on.” said Tara “We’ve been talking about literally everything regarding us.”
Yes, they had. And Sarah had liked that. She didn’t always want to talk about herself, about her life. She hated it, if she was honest.
“Well, I’m getting a divorce.” There it was. The words she had feared to say out loud in front of friends. Now she had said them and she couldn’t take them back. However she didn’t feel as guilty as she had thought she would. Chris and Tara looked at her, but Sarah couldn’t quite figure out if it was in shock or something else. “How-?” Tara was the first one speaking. Of course she didn’t know of anything that had been going on between Sarah and Matthew over the weeks. Like everyone else, she had thought that Sarah was living in a perfect marriage. “It doesn’t work anymore. At least it doesn’t work for me any longer. It’s… we’ve been living this life for over 10 years and I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want the fights anymore, neither the talks in general.” She shrugged and that’s when Chris found his voice back. “He doesn’t know yet?” “No, I’ve been talking with a lawyer about everything. I don’t want him to give any chance to turn things to his best. You know how he is.” Yes, Chris knew very well. Damn it, he had hold Sarah not only once in his arms when she cried because she and Matthew had fought again. He remembered the scene like it had happened yesterday, when she told him that she was pregnant. He remembered how upset he was and how she almost broke down. So he knew even better how Matthew would try to destroy Sarah once he found out. Although Sarah had’t been very happy about the children at first, she loved them now with all her heart. Nothing in the world would tear her apart from them. “If you need anything, we’re here. You know that.” Chris said and Tara nodded. That was when Sarah started to smile again. She was sitting in front of true friends. Even though she didn’t know Tara as well as Chris, but there was no way she would let her down. And Sarah was thankful for that. From the bottom of her heart. “So you’re always welcome here. You bring something fresh in our house” Tara said with a little smirk. Yes, she had her doubts about Sarah but in general she just liked the woman. She definitely was someone you could be friends with. “Thank you. I truly appreciate that.” “No need to.”
They started talking about other stuff again, they laughed and had some good time. Especially Sarah enjoyed it, she hadn’t thought once of Ben. Probably that was good… she shouldn’t get too attached to him. There was no way this could end good.
A little before midnight Sarah looked at the watch and froze a second. She had totally forgot time. “I really should go now.” “Ah! Too bad. But I really hope you’re coming back soon.” “I will.” They all stood up. Sarah gave Tara two little kisses at both cheeks. Chris brought Sarah to the door. “I’m serious. If something is wrong, you call. If you need help, you call. Even if it is 2am, you call. You got me?” “Got you, buddy.” Sarah smiled and hugged Chris. “Thanks for everything.” “No need to say that, beautiful.” Sarah nodded slowly and stepped back. “See you soon?” “See you soon. And it was very nice to have had you around.” “I loved seeing you again, too.” She waved to him and then turned around to leave and call a cab. Although she had told them about the divorce, the evening hadn’t been depressing. Sarah totally could imagine to meet with them more often and she also could bring her kids along. She couldn’t way for this moment to happen. Right in that moment she realized that she wanted the divorce more than anything else at this moment. And she would get it. Soon. Soon everything would be allright. No one telling her anymore what to do or that things were her fault. She could live her life as she imagined it with her kids. Just thinking about this felt great.
She got into the cab and drove through New York City. Ever since she had got here, she had loved this city and there was no way she would ever leave it. This city was her home.
Sarah had taken the children to school and came back home. She was in the living room. She was mentioned in Hello magazine. Everyone was talking about her new look and they she had started to going out again. She had never thought her change of hair would be something that polemic, it was just darker for her but everyone else seemed to consider it something really important. There were pictures of her entering to Chris house and she smiled. She looked better than she had looked in months. She felt so happy and proud. The night before in his new office Ben had told her that the papers were ready, that the divorce would start in any moment. She couldn’t help but smile by the idea of a life without Matthew. Nothing could change her mood. Or that’s what she thought.
She heard a slamming of the door and moved a little bit in the couch but she didn’t manage to see the door anyway. The only option was Matthew, so she just stayed in the couch and kept reading the magazines. Matthew walked to the living room, and though she could hear his footsteps she didn’t look up from the magazine. “Hey” she said, still reading but he didn’t reply. Instead, he threw an envelope with strength, and it fell on the couch next to her, making noise. She looked at it, then looked at him and raised an eyebrow. “What’s that?” she asked. Actually, she had an idea of what it could be, but asked anyway. “I don’t know. You tell me” he said. He wasn’t shouting, but she could see how he was clenching his hands. Now she had no doubt about what was inside that envelope. “I don’t know” she took the envelope in her hands. “It has your name on it. Why should I know what it is?” she asked, pretending to have no idea about what was going on and to don’t care a lot, actually. “A divorce letter. A-Divorce-Letter!” he screamed. “You want the divorce!” he was moving his hands effusively, expressing his anger. “Yes, I do want the divorce” she answered, quietly, leaving the magazine next to her lap. She got up from the couch; she was about to walk away and leave the room. “You didn’t tell me anything. I receive this fucking letter and I don’t know you even were thinking about it! I’m tired of always been your silly husband” he screamed. His face was turning red. They had fought a lot through the years, but she had never seen him that angry. “Well, I can’t talk to you anymore. And yes I want the divorce. I’m tired of everything being my fault and fighting about everything and anything. I can’t take it any longer” she replied. She was calmed and quiet and that even made him more upset. “You see? It’s always about you. You don’t even consider my feelings you don’t even think about our children” “I’m done considering your feelings! I don’t care about them, anymore. And believe me, I think a lot about MY children” she screamed. She could take his though words about how she didn’t care about him or how she was selfish and stupid. But she wouldn’t let him say that she didn’t care about her children. “You didn’t even want to have children at the beginning. Let’s not pretend you care about them” “I care about them! More than you ever did” she said. “You’re doing this to get your freedom back, right?” she didn’t reply. “What do you think is going to happen? You’re not 30 anymore; they’re not going to call you to make another Sex and the city. Grow up, Sarah” “Shut the fuck up!” she said, and turned around. But his hands wrapping his forearms stopped her. “Don’t you dare to touch me” she said, but he turned her around. “You used to enjoy my touch. Have you forgotten how you shivered when I made love to you?” “You’re such a pig” she said, trying to fight his touch. She was trying to escape, but he wasn’t letting her go. “Don’t call me like that, I’m your husband” “I don’t want you to be my husband anymore, if you haven’t noticed” He gritted his teeth and hold her even tighter. Her arms were hurting but she wasn’t letting him know. She was no showing weakness to him. He released her arms and she thought it was over. She took a step back but suddenly she felt his hand slapping her face. She fought the tears, she would no cry. “Don’t you dare to put a hand on me again” she told him, pointing him with her finger and left the room.
She was in Tabitha’s bed. She didn’t know if Matthew was still on the house or had left, but she didn’t really care. She couldn’t stand the idea of meeting him walking in the house, so she stayed there. James Wilkie was staying at his best friend’s house and the twins were with the nanny. She had phoned her, trying to disguise the tears that made her voice shaky and had asked her to take her little girls to the park or something. She hasn’t left the bed. She didn’t know why but she felt small and weak. She was still sure that the divorce was the best thing for her and her children. The twins were too young to understand but she knew her fights with Matthew were also destroying her little boy. She wanted to have her freedom back, to protect James and to save the twins. She should be strong, for her and her children. She smiled and got up from the bed. She walked to her room and smiled when she got there without walking into Matthew in the house. He had left.
She had a meeting with Ben that night and she wouldn’t let herself look like crap. She took a shower and a nude dress from her wardrobe. She did her makeup, trying to cover the red mark on her skin. She was sure Matthew had never slapped her before. But it has hurt, not only physically but emotionally. She didn’t love him, nor hate him; but he was the father of her children, deep inside her, she really wished everything could end just fine between them. But then she saw the bruises in her arms. She had his fingertips marked on her skin. She took a jacket and put it on, covering the little bruises on her arms. She smiled at the result. The mark on her face was almost invisible, so she thought she was ready, and left the house.
She arrived Ben new office ten minutes late. She had walked and done a lot of thinking while doing it. But she smiled when her sexy lawyer opened her the door. “You look good” he told her. “Thank you” she said, leaving a small kiss on his lips after the door closed behind her. It was really warm inside, so he offered to take off her jacket but she deny it. “It’s okay” she had told him. They were actually not talking about the divorce. They were sat on the big black couch drinking wine and listening to music, but she needed to tell him. “He got the letter” the words spilled out of her mouth. “What did he say?” “Not that much, actually” she answered and silenced herself again. “You’re okay?” “Yes, I am” she replied, quickly not knowing if she totally believed her words. He took the glass of her hand and left it on the floor and then leaned towards her and kissed her in a tender way. She had wanted passion, lust and freedom, but in that moment she couldn’t deny that his cute gesture made her feel way better. She laid on the couch, letting him lay on her. He slid his hand under her dress, caressing her legs softly and then broke the kiss to take off his own jacket and to help her to take off hers. She unzipped his trousers and smiled as he helped her to get out of her dress. He was softly lowering the straps of her bra when he found the little marks on her skin. “He didn’t say that much, did he?” he told her and she looked aside, not being strong enough to look at him in the eyes. He took her face in his hands and she moaned in pain as his hand pressed the covered mark on her right check. He suddenly realized about that red shadow next to her smile. “It’s okay” she told him, and tried to kiss him back. “No, it’s not okay” He was worried about her. She was so strong; she had reminded him about her mother. He didn’t want her to end that way; he was determined to protect her, to make her feel better. He kissed her check softly, and then lowered, kissing her neck and then each one of the little bruises on her arms. He took off her panties in the softest way possible. He had really wanted to take her as soon as they have started kissing, but now he was going to take care of her. He didn’t care about his needs anymore. He made love to her, in the cutest and most tender way someone had ever loved her. He laid next to her, and hugged her. She smiled, feeling protected in his strong arms. She didn’t know how to thank him. “I – I “ she said, but he silenced her with a kiss. “I understand” he said, and caressed her forearms, wishing he could erase those little marks. She look at his watch. “It’s late” she said, but she curled up even closer to him. “I don’t want to leave” she said, closing her eyes. “Then don’t” he whispered, starting to kiss her again.
She felt it. It was like an inner urge, something that made her stomach feel a little bit sick. She was getting attached to him. Something she had tried to avoid from the beginning but hadn’t managed at the end though. But was it really that bad? Yes, he was her lawyer but-? She forced herself to stop thinking about it.
She opened her eyes and looked at him. He was younger than her and she also kind of felt like protecting him. There was something that told her he had experienced things in life nobody wanted to experience.
When he noticed that she was looking at him, he focused on her as well. He saw the little red mark on her head again and he couldn’t help himself and caressed it softly. “It’s going to hurt some days. You should cool it.” “You seem to know what you’re talking about.” She meant it jokingly but when she saw his expression she felt like she had said something wrong. “I do. My mother had a lot of thos as well.” She swallowed. There it was… she had felt it all the time. “I used to bring her something for cooling, although she never wanted me too.” He seemed mesmerized. “She didn’t want you to know, did she?” “No, she didn’t. She always wanted to protect me.” Sarah smiled slightly. She clearly knew that feeling, she felt it every day. “Your mum must be so proud of you now. I’m sure.” “I guess, she would be.” Her eyes widened a bit. “She is not here anymore?” Sarah saw something in Ben’s eyes that made her shiver: tears. “Yes, my dad once beat her up. And she didn’t wake up anymore.” Sarah could feel how there were tears in her own eyes and she softly caressed his face. “I’m so sorry, I truly am.” He nodded slowly and leaned his forhead against hers. “I want you to be careful. If he beats you again, you will need to report it. You understand me?” “He won’t-“She hesitated. That was surely something every woman said. “I will.” “Thank you.”
They kept laying there. Holding each other, giving each other the warmth they needed. No words needed to be spoken.
Time went on and even after two hours, they were still laying there. They hadn’t talked all the time, their presence was enough. However Sarah knew that she had to go home, she still had the kids she needed to take care of. He seemed to notice her decision and helped her up. “We’re going to see each other in two days. I guess you’re husband will have hired his own lawyer then.” “Right.” “When something is wrong, you call me.” “I will.” “Okay.” He leaned forward and kissed her softly. They didn’t break the kiss for some moments, then Sarah turned around and took her jacket. “Bye.” She whispered and gave him a last smile before she turned around and left the office.
While she walked outside, she couldn’t resist thinking about his mother. Clearly she felt incredible sorry for him and she kind of could imagine why he had chosen to be a divorce lawyer. But what bothered her way more was how attached they had gotten. Tears came back into her eyes. Why couldn’t things be easier?
When she entered her apartment, she immediately knew there was something wrong. It was calm. Too calm. She went into the bedroom of the children only to find them empty. Matthew wasn’t there either. Time seemed to stand still. She turned around a few times and walked through the entire apartment, but she couldn’t find anybody or anything that told her where they were. She held a hand in front of her mouth and let out a silent cry. Her mind was working on full speed. She should have known that he would do this. No way he would just wait for her to get home and try to talk to her again. She had shown him very clearly that there would be no conversation between them anymore and he now showed her the consequences. Slowly she let herself down on the couch, tears in her eyes and that was when anger came over her. Everything that laid on the table before her, was thrown all over the living room. She had never wanted things to be like this. Now she didn’t know where her children were, and she had no idea what to do. She felt sick, so incredibly sick. Had there been a chance to prevent this? She wasn’t sure. Another moment passed before she took her cellphone and dialed the only number that seemed right at the moment. Bens. “Sarah?” He said when he answered the phone. “They are gone.” She simply said and she could hear how desperate she sounded. “Wait, wait- who is gone?” “My children, Matthew. They are not here and I don’t know where they are. What am I supposed to do now? I don’t where the hell he brought my children.” At the end she started to scream and then tears came all over her again. “I’m going to be there soon.” He hang up and she could prevent in the last second that she threw her phone through the room.
15 minutes the door bell rang and she stood up. She felt empty, just like the apartment. When she opened the door, Ben got in, looking worried. He didn’t know how to greet her. She looked horrible, sick and tired. “Are you sure he left no note?” “I’ve looked everywhere.” “Okay, Sarah… it’s going to be fine. I’m sure.” “Nothing’s fine.” She screamed. Her emotions were a mess. “Exactly what I had feared most is happening now and this is only the start.” “Sarah, you need to calm down.” “I am calm” “Sarah…” “No! They are not here because all I did was thinking about me. I should have cared more about my children, than about me.” Her gestures were quite wild and he just hugged her to calm her down, but instead of calming down she started crying and tried to break off the hug. “Don’t you touch me” She cried, not only once but several times. He didn’t stop hugging her, until he finally felt that she was letting herself go and he was able to catch her. She didn’t stop crying, but at least she cried in his arms and let all the anger and fear out. “Pssh, I’m here.” He held her all the time knowing that at some time she would crying. It was understandable that she felt angry but it wouldn’t help anyone and he was sure that Matthew had only done it to shock her. Her husband would be there in the morning with the kids, he was sure of that.
“I just shouldn’t have done it.” He heard her weak voice and he took her face. “No, what you’ve done has been the right step. You made the right decision. It is going to be hard at the beginning, nobody said it would be easy, but you can do it. You will get your children and you will be happy. Believe me.” The tears in Sarahs eyed made it hard for her to look him directly into the eyes. “But it was about me. It is about me all the time. I never really asked what my children want.” “Sarah, you said yourself that they weren’t happy. This divorce is the right thing.” Of course he made some good points, but if felt so wrong at the moment though. She still felt cold and empty. If she didn’t know better, she would say that she sat in a carousel.
Ben brought her to the couch and sat down with her. “We’re going to wait here now and I promise that they will come back. He only wants to make you weak; he wants you to regret it. And look at you. That’s exactly what he is doing. You need to stay strong now. I know you can do it.” She looked at him and pressed her lips together. The anger came back and she could have sworn that she would have killed Matthew if he had been here. Of course he knew what he was doing, he had been married to her for over 10 years. He knew her weaknesses and deep inside he also knew that she was a good mother, something he could use to blackmail her. What she didn’t understand though was why he couldn’t let go of her. He didn’t love her anymore, she was sure of that but what kind of a men was he that he just couldn’t let her go?
She fought with the tears once more and just sat there with Ben waiting for the moment Matthew would come home. He needed to be here soon. At least the twins would start missing her and she knew that he had no control over the kids once they were out of control. The kids would always decide for her and she didn’t even feel sorry for it at the moment. The only thing she felt was anger and what? Hate? Not really. Scorn? More likely. She would fight, she knew that now and there was no way she would loose this. Definitely not.
Ben ran his fingers through the skin of her arms. “Everything’s gonna be okay, don’t worry” he kept whispering in her ears, even if he knew he shouldn’t make promises to his clients, even if he knew he shouldn’t actually care about his clients. But he did. He really wanted everything to be fine, he really cared about her. There was something in that woman who had her head laying in his shoulder that make him want to protect her, even though she usually looked strong. Since she had arrived to his office, he had seen her in many different situations. He knew her strong side and the weak one, he knew the passionate side and the cutest one. But that night, he had seen her as he had never imagined her. She looked not weak, but destroyed. His heart had broken as he saw her trembling and crying in his chest without not knowing what to do. She had always managed somehow to pretend she was just fine and that she didn’t need help, but that night she even didn’t try to pretend. He had in his arms one of the strongest woman he had ever known, at her worst.
She knew it wasn’t the best thing to do to cry on his chest and to show that weakness, but she couldn’t help it. He was the first person that came to her mind and though she had been thinking all her way back home that she shouldn’t get attached to him, she actually didn’t care. He was there with her, holding her in his strong arms. She couldn’t pretend anymore, he was not only her lawyer, he was not just another affair. She was falling for him, but she didn’t really care. All she wanted at that moment was to have her children with her, and Ben to stay with her. She fell asleep on his shoulder, as his fingertips drew little circles and words she couldn’t understand on the skin of her arms.
The house was in silence; all he was able to hear was the sound of her breathing and he was pretty sure that he focused really well, he would be able to listen to her heartbeat. She looked so small between his arms. He wanted to hold her and never, never let her go. He didn’t know why, but he had fallen for her harder and deeper he had never fallen before. She had that perfect combination he had always been looking for in a woman and thought he would never find, but there she was. Sleeping in his arms, like a baby, still with a worried expression on her face. He kept drawing with his fingers in her skin, although he didn’t know what was he doing, but she seemed to like it, before her breathing had gotten heavier and then she had fallen asleep. Stopping wasn’t an option in his mind. He should have been sleeping; he had to be in his office in a couple of hours. But he didn’t care about himself, he only wanted to make her feel better.
Sarah moved in his arms, waking him up for him not so deep sleep. “Hey” she whispered, looking at the clock. “They haven’t arrived, have they?” “No beautiful, I’m sorry” he kissed her forehead. “Where’s the kitchen?” He asked her after minutes of silence. Her mind was far away, but she managed somehow to point him the direction of the kitchen and fake a smile. She was really thankful to have Ben with her at that moment, but she had to admit that she didn’t feel like smiling. “I’ll be right back” he told her and kissed her softly in the lips before getting up of the couch, leaving her alone. She laid on the couch, sometimes it was good to be that small. She looked at the wall, there was a picture on it. The day she and Matthew had taken the girls home so James could meet them. It was really cute and they looked so happy together. She smiled nostalgic as tears came back to her eyes. She knew the divorce was the best thing to do, but she couldn’t help but think that maybe, she deserved all that had happened in her marriage. She had cheated before, she hadn’t wanted children, she had always loved her freedom more. Maybe it was all her fault.
Ben came back ten minutes later with two cups of coffee, but kneeled on the floor next to the couch as he realized she was crying. “It’s my fault” she told him, whipping. “No, it’s not” he said, kissing the tear that was falling down her check. “Yes, I deserve all this, it’s my fault” “Listen to me” he said, trying to calm her down with his tone. “You deserve the best and you know you’re not getting it. You’re one of the strongest women I’ve ever known but I need you to keep fighting, you can’t give up now. This isn’t what you deserve” “I don’t even deserve you” “Sh, don’t say that, okay? You deserve much more, you don’t know how good and strong you are” he whispered, and silenced her with a kiss, placing his lips on hers softly trying to calm her and convince her of his words. “You understood me?” She nodded, and kissed him softly. “I should leave, I don’t think being here when they arrive is the best idea, but you’re going to phone me when they are here or…” he closed his mouth, he was not going to pronounce those words, he didn’t want to worry her even more. “Don’t leave” “I can’t stay. Going to take you out for a dinner when things get better here, I promise” he whispered in her ear and got up. She left the couch behind him, hugging him from his back. “Thank you” she murmured softly. “You don’t need to be here and you came and stayed and - thank…” but he didn’t let her finish because he kissed her. “I love you, Sarah” he whispered between her lips, looking her directly to her light blue eyes and left the house, leaving her alone with even more thoughts in her mind, though she thought it was impossible.
She drank her coffee and walked around the room more than fifteen times. She didn’t know what to do anymore, she thought she was getting crazy when she heard the door opening. The sun was already raising when her little twins walked inside the house and run to her. “Mummy, mummy” they cried. She run to meet her little girls, with tears falling down her face and kneeled to hug them. She didn’t have words to describe the relief she was feeling. They were okay, just looked a bit tired and were hugging her as if they haven’t seen her in ages. It had actually felt like ages, she thought. Even James run to her arms, and hugged her tightly. She couldn’t control the tears, though she knew she shouldn’t cry in front of Matthew. She didn’t care. She had her children with her.
She didn’t even look at Matthew, she took her little children hands and took them to her bedroom. She changed the twins clothes and put her pijama on and laid in the bed with her three little children. The twins were so tired that fell asleep as soon as their little heads touched the pillows but James were hugging her mum, not being able to sleep. “Things are going to change, mum, right?” He answered. “Yes honey, things are going to be different” she whispered. Her son was so young and had lived so many things that she would have loved to erase from his life. “I want to be with you” he whispered and hugged his mum even tighter. “I’m never letting you go” she said and held his hand and squeezed it as a tear of happiness fell down her check. Matthew didn’t even bother to came in and she couldn’t help but smile. There was no point about fighting about it, hitting him because of what he had done. She wouldn’t gain anything and would be risking the only thing she really wanted in that moment. Her children. And she fell asleep, surrounded by the ones she loved the most and with Ben’s words resonating on her ears. “I love you too” she whispered in the darkness, wishing Ben could be there with them too.
She woke up hours later finding the kids still sleeping next to her. The relief hit her once again because the fear of not knowing where they were had hit her immediately after she had woken up. Carefully she stood up and walked into the kitchen, only to make herself a coffee. What she hadn’t known was that Matthew was right there. When she entered the kitchen, she hesitated for a second, but told herself to stop acting like an idiot. Without looking at him, she made herself a coffee and right at the moment when she was about to leave the kitchen again, she heard his voice. “This divorce isn’t right, Sarah.” She swallowed and thought about not answering him, but turned around though. “You know what’s not right? Us staying together. We should have seen this years ago.” “I’ve contacted my lawyer.” “I hadn’t expected something else.” “There are certain things in the divorce contract, I disagree with.” She sighted. Of course she had seen this coming but there had been this little hope inside her things would turn out well though. “I don’t like the kids staying with you.” “They want to stay with me, they said it by themselves.” “You asked them?” She could hear how upset he sounded. “No, but they told me when they came back with you from somewhere I’ve got no idea about.” Sarah could clearly see that it hurt him. He loved his children, it was a fact she could not deny but sometimes she thought, he didn’t really get how love really worked. It wasn’t only about giving each other presents, but about being there for each other. Actually being there. Although he was the one that had always wanted children, Sarah sometimes had the slight feeling that as long as they were little everything was fine and then he found them kind of useless. There was no way he would ever admit that but deep in her heart she knew it, just like she knew that he didn’t love her anymore as well. “Well, at least I don’t agree with this part. About the apartments and stuff I don’t care.” She hadn’t expected it otherwise. A nod of her head showed him that she had understood and she turned around, but hesitated again. “One thing, if you ever leave this house again without me knowing where they are, you will get to know me.” She said these words in a complete calm way and she meant it. If he ever tried to take the kids away from her in that way, she would destroy him. She walked away without looking back and moments later she heard the door. He was gone. Sarah couldn’t describe how she felt, but definitely better since she knew that he was not in the house anymore and they were back.
She took her phone and decided to call Ben. Until now she had totally forgotten about him. It didn’t take him too long for answering. “Sarah?” “They are back.” “That’s good to know. Really. How are they? How are you?” “They are fine, they are sleeping at the moment. I’m fine too.” “Are you sure?” “Yes.” “Where’s your husband?” “He just left.” “Did he say something?” “He took a lawyer and he doesn’t want the children to live with me.” “Together, we’re going to make it.” A small smile appeared on her face. There he was again: her little savior. “We should meet this evening. I know, you don’t want to leave your children anymore but it’s important now. We need to discuss things. Also there is still the question if you want to make it public.” She sighed. He was right, she didn’t want to leave the kids but she would call a friend of hers. Chris. She would bring the children to him, she knew he would take them. Matthew wouldn’t be able to say something against it, she would leave a note. She would do nothing wrong. “I’m bringing them to a friend of mine. When do we want to meet?” “At 8?” “Okay.” “I see you soon then.” “See you.” She hang up. The urge to tell him that she loved him too had been there, but she wanted to say it personally. She had seemed so cold on the phone, but she couldn’t be really happy yet. The next few weeks would be hard and she was sure that she would need lots of help. There was simply no way that she could be all smily at the moment. Of course she had expected things to get hard but once it hit her, it felt like she hadn’t been prepared at all.
She went back to the bedroom only to find the children still sleeping. Another small smile appeared on her face. It was undescribable what she felt at the moment. Happy? Relived? Over the moon? A mixture of everything? Probably. She had now experienced what it would be like without her children and she was aware more than ever of the fact, that nothing in the world would tear her apart from them. If she needed to, she would fight in court for them and she would destroy Matthew. Yes, she would because she knew that if he were her, he wouldn’t do something else.
She watched her children while they slept and kept wondering how they could be so pretty. Her boy would be a girl magnetic one day and her little girls? They would be the kind of girls everyone turned around to get a second gaze at them. She was proud of them, truly proud.
And then her thoughts wandered. To Ben. She remember how he had said he loved her. Did he really love her? Or had he only said this to calm her down? Something in her wished so deeply that he loved her. She wanted to be loved by someone again… to be someones number one. Of course she had the love of her children, but you couldn’t compare that to the other love she meant and wanted. She had not wanted to fall for him, but had it done though. Now here she was. In another dilemma. If he truly loved her, then she could call it a little miracle. The entire story was too cute and too beautiful to be actually true. Or for once in her life, she had real luck. Maybe she really had found someone that truly could love her without blaming her for everything. Just maybe he was actually the men she had been looking for? But wasn’t she too old for him? He surely deserved better. Yes, he did and she was sure that he would be able to find other woman. Woman that looked better, hotter. Woman that could satisify him better.
She shook her head. That were too many thoughts for her. She couldn’t concentrate on everything.
She knew she had things to do if she wanted to move on with the divorce but she couldn’t get away from her children. She had spent more than half an hour watching them sleep with a smile on her face. She remembered the fights with Matthew about having children and how much she had hated him when she has discovered he had changed her pills. But now, she just couldn’t imagine her life without those three little kids that were sleeping on her big bed. She caressed their heads and left to the bathroom. She really looked like crap. She didn’t know how she had let Ben to see her like that. He probably wouldn’t want to keep being her lover - or whatever they were. He had seen her looking like crap, and she had cried on his shoulder. Obviously she had killed the passion. She didn’t know where she was standing, less to where she was going, but she was going to find out and to make things work. For her, for Ben, but above all, for her children.
She took a shower and put a pair of jeans and a top. She didn’t want to stay too long away from the children. She felt kind of paranoid and she knew that Matthew wasn’t going to do something like that again, but anyway, she didn’t want to leave the most precious things for her, alone. She needed help and although she didn’t like to ask for it, she knew that she had no other options. She couldn’t be in that one alone.
She took her blackberry and dialed his number. “I was thinking about you” Chris’ voice said in the other side of the line. “That’s nice to hear” she smiled, he had always managed to steal her brightest of the smiles not matter how broken she felt. “Are you ok?” “I’m fine now” “What happened beautiful?” She could tell he was worried about her, and it made her smile even more. She never knew why they haven’t ended up together, but she liked the way things had come up. They were always there for each other, no matter what, they were always there. “He took the children away yesterday. I came from my lawyer office and they weren’t here” “What?” he almost screamed. “Are you okay? Are they okay? What do you need, Sarah?” “Don’t worry. They came back; they’re sleeping in my bed. And I’m – well, I’m doing well; but I need your help” she was the one who was trying to calm him down now. “Whatever you want, tell me” “I have to meet my lawyer again tonight, but I don’t want to leave the children alone. I guess I’m exaggerating but I – I don’t know” she said. She couldn’t pretend it anymore, she was scared. “You can let the children with me. I’m pretty sure Tara will love to have a little bit of mess in the house” “Are you sure? Would you do that to me?” “Beautiful, I would lower the moon and all the stars in the sky for you” She could imagine him winking at her and she couldn’t help but smile. “Thank you, you’re the best” “Take them here whenever you need, we’re going to be waiting for them” She smiled, though he couldn’t see her. “I’m nodding” she said, and laughed with him because of that old little private joke. Anyone who had watched Sex and the city would think that they understood, but what they didn’t know was that it was actually their little joke and they had used it on the series. “Thank you” she said and they hang up.
She had woken up the children and helped them to change their clothes. They have had lunch together although lunch time had passed hours ago. They all were tired and she could tell that even her little girls were kind of stressed too in their own way. They had barely eaten but they were asking mummy things all the time. She was tired too, but she was so happy to have them with her that she didn’t care about it. “Who wants to come to visit Uncle Chris?” “I do” the twins said in unison. “You don’t want to?” she asked James. “I’d rather stay with you, but being with Uncle Chris would be fun too, I guess” he said, breaking and melting her heart at the same time. “Listen to me” she said taking his face in her hands softly, making him to look at her in the eyes. Their eyes were the exactly same color and she was proud of that, her little son was a small version of her. “Things are going to be hard, and I need you to be strong, with me, but everything’s gonna worth it. We’re going to be together and to have a lot of more time to spend doing things we like after all this is ended. You still have to teach me how to play guitar hero, remember?” she told him and he smiled and hugged her mummy. “You’re the best mum” he whispered in her ear and a little tear dropped from her eye. “I love you” she kissed him and they all together left the house after she left that little note in the kitchen “No, I didn’t take them away. The kids are with Chris. Sarah”. They used to walk but she was scared about the paparazzis and the media, she didn’t want to expose her children like that and she didn’t want to be exposed either. The chauffer waited for them and took them to Chris house. James knocked on the door and hugged Chris when he opened the door. Sarah smiled and left a smile kiss in Chris check after the girls entered the house running as they heard Tara calling them from inside. “I guess your kids like chocolate” he said “Yes they do, I guess a little bit of sugar would be good for them” she smiled to him. “What about a little bit of sugar for you too?” he said, giving her a chocolate bar and leaving a kiss of her nose. They were playing with fire, as they always did but they couldn’t imagine it in other way. “Thank you” “You don’t need to thank me, I’m always here. Call me when you’re done” he said and she walked down the stairs and waved to him before getting into the car again.
She knocked on Ben office’s door and threw herself into his arms as soon as the door closed behind them. “Thank you, thank you, thank you” she whispered, leaving small kisses all over his face between words. “You don’t need to thank me” “I do, I don’t know what I would have done without you. What I would do without you actually” she said and kissed him again. He was going to say something but she placed her finger on his lips. “Shh, let me finish” she said and he nodded so she kissed him again. “I don’t know if you meant what you said last night or if it was just a casual ‘I love ya’ but I do love you, Ben” she blushed a little bit and he smiled because of how adorable she looked to his eyes. “I did, I meant it. I love you, Sarah” he took her in his strong arms, holding her like a little baby and took her to the black couch. “Last time we did this, things didn’t go out really well” she said smiling to him, although she knew she would never stop him. “Well… if you don’t want to” he said, separating his body from hers, but she extended her arms and took him closer to her again. “Never said that” She whispered in his ear, leaving small kisses around it. They weren’t just sleeping together, it wasn’t only sex anymore, they were in love.
“I guess we need to talk about the divorce, right?” she said, caressing his chest. She sat on the couch and looked around of her clothes but his hands took her back to the couch. “It will be more interesting if you’re not dressed” he said, caressing her stomach, making her blush. It had been really long since a man as handsome as him wanted her so badly. “He doesn’t want the children to stay with me” “We’re gonna fight and the judges normally decide it’s better for the children to stay with the mother. They can’t take them away from you just because you didn’t want to be a mother at the beginning” she smiled. “I was thinking about telling the media. I would like people to get the news by me and not because he starts talking bullshit” “You should talk with your manager, but I guess that’s the better thing to do for your image” “I actually don’t care a lot about my image right now. I want to protect my children and to protect you from the media” “To protect me?” “I’m scared you would run away from me” “I would never do that” he said, laying on top of her, pressing his forehead to hers. “Why me?” she asked. “You could have had any girl. Why me?” “Why me?” he asked. “You could have had any man. Why me?” he said, making him smile. “I get it “ she said, kissing him again.
Their bodies were so close and it felt so good. “So, I’m going to call my manager tomorrow asking whether he could bring out a press release.” “Yes and I’m going to find out which lawyer your husband hired and we’re going to make an appointment. Maybe we will get an arrangement without court.” “And if not?” “Then we hand in the papers to court. There will be a first hearing without anyone else being there than us. And if we don’t get an arrangement there, we will go the second hearing.” She nodded slowly but couldn’t help to look a bit worried. “Everything’s going to be fine. Just let me do the talking. It would be the best if you didn’t talk to your husband at all” “I didn’t plan to.” “Good. Just one thing.” She looked up to him and he smiled at her. “I can be an asshole in court, but generally, this is not me.” Although she had only seen him as very gentlemen until now, she truly could imagine how he could be in court. “Don’t worry about it.” She answered and he nodded giving her another kiss. “But I really should go now. My kids.” “I know.” He lifted himself up and then helped her. They both dressed and when they were ready, they gave each other a slight smile. “Thank you.” “Didn’t I tell you to not thank me?” “I can’t remember saying that I would listen to you.” She made him laugh with this. “Right. You’re smart.” Now it was her turn to laugh. He hugged her and gave her another small kiss. “I think my daughter would really like you as well.” She looked surprised at him. “You do have a daughter?” “I adopted her two years ago. She is 5 now. Very sweet girl, I’m sure you would like her.” No way she would have thought that he had a daughter. There had been no pictures of her at all. “What’s her name?” “Hailey.” “That is a sweet name.” He nodded and caressed her face softly. “I’d love to meet her someday.” “You will.” Another nod of hers. Then another last kiss before she left the building. Sarah drove back to kiss. The kids were asleep and she felt incredibely sorry for needing them to wake up. “You don’t have. Just stay here tonight.” Sarah looked at Chris, not being sure whether to accept or not. “We don’t bite and I think you could use some space, right?” She nodded. He gave her a warm hug and right in this moment she was thankful to have so many great people around her. “I’m just gonna give Matthew a call, you know…” She didn’t end the sentence; he knew what was going through her mind though. She picked up her phone and dialed the number of her home. It seemed like he wasn’t there, but she didn’t care and spoke on the voicemail. “The kids fell asleep at Chris’. I’m staying here for the night, I don’t want to wake them up. Just wanted to let you know.” She almost would have said that she didn’t want to act like him last night but she didn’t say a thing, Ben had told her to keep silent, so she would. She hang up and thanked Chris when he showed her where she could sleep. “No need to thank me, buddy.”
The next morning was rather beautiful than anything else. Tara had made breakfast and Sarah just hadn’t had the chance to say no to this at all. So they were about to eat when Sarahs phone rang. She excused herself and stood up. “Yes?” “It’s me.” Ben. “Good Morning.” “Good Morning to you too although I have to ruin you’re morning now.” She sighed. It couldn’t have been differently. “What is it?” “I talked with the lawyer of your husband and well, it was a nice conversation. However they want to meet in two hours.” “Two hours? That was fast.” “Correct but thinking about this it doesn’t surprise me. I think your husband had contact to his lawyer all the time.” Things seemed to not stand still anymore. Sarah felt like she was going to hyperventilate for a quick moment. “So you think, they kind of waited for this moment?” “I can’t really guarantee that but it seems very likely.” What had Matthew told his lawyer? What were they up to? Sarah felt sick. “Sarah, stay calm. Just come here and we discuss things. It’s going to be fine.” “Okay. See you.” She hung up and leaned her head against the wall. She hadn’t really imagined things to be like this but now she couldn’t change it. “Everything allright?” That was Chris’ voice. “No… no, nothing’s allright.” “Can I do something for you?” He touched her shoulder and she turned around to him. “Can you watch the children? I’ve to get home, get something else to dress and then I need to meet with Matthew.” “Whatever you want me to do.” “Thank you.” She gave him a kiss on the cheeks and walked back into the kitchen. “Kids, you are going to stay with Uncle Chris and Auntie Tara for the day, okay? Mummy has to take care of some things, but I’ll be back as soon as possible.” James looked at her skeptical. She kissed him and whispered into his ear that she loved him. He only nodded and she could clearly see that lots of things were going through his mind. The twins were smiling at her, when she gave them a kiss as well. Sarah turned around and thanked Chris and Tara once again before she left the house. She drove to her apartment which was empty and dressed up there. She put on Make-Up and she did her hair. Yes, she tried everything to look strong and she knew that she could make it.
When she entered the buffet Matthew was already there and she sighed. This wouldn’t be very nice. “Sarah.” “Matthew.” She greated the other lawyer with a small nod and then she saw Ben. She gave him a smile and they shook hands. “Morning.” he said and she replied the same. “So, please… there is the office.” They all entered it. It was a bit different from the one Ben had. They sat at the table. Matthew with his lawyer on the one site, Sarah with hers on the other. Matthew’s lawyer was the first one to speak. “To make the things short. As you already know we don’t agree with the child custody. We’ve got our reasons to think that Ms. Parker can’t take full responsibilty of the children.” She was about to say something but she felt Ben’s foot kicking against her leg and she remained silent. “May I ask what these reasons are?” “Ms. Parker didn’t want the children from the very beginning. The care taking of the children was mostly the job of my client – at the end he even had to hire a nanny so that Ms. Parker could take care of the children.” Yes, she was shocked. He turned things around. If she had the chance to, she would scream at him and maybe even try to kill him. “I do think that these accusations against my client are wrong. It is right that my client has had her problems with becoming a mother but it is only fair to say that she has grown into this job. She was the one taking most of the care of them. The nanny was hired because your client thought it could help her, but my client has never wanted this herself.” “If we take a look at which events Ms. Parker has been over the last years, we will clearly see that these were a lot more than the ones my client attended.” “It is the job of my client to attend certain events. She is a working mother. Would you tell every working mother to stay home only because she has got children?” “I think Ms. Parkers lifestyle doesn’t quite fit with the one the children would need.” Sarah felt angry and it was oh-so-hard to keep silent. There were many thoughts going through her head and all of them weren’t much appropriated. “This is wrong.” “Ms. Parker, what do you say to this?” He now directly addressed to her but then she heard Ben’s voice and if she hadn’t known him, his voice would have actually scared her. It was cold, cutting and a bit warning. “Do never address my client again. If you want to know something from her, then you will talk to me. If there is something you need from her, you will talk to me. If there is anything regarding her, you will talk to me.” “Why that? Has your client lost her voice or does she actually know that she is going to loose this one because she isn’t responsible enough?” “This is enough. We’re going to see each other in court.” Ben stood up and so did Sarah. She didn’t look at Matthew nor at his lawyer. This fight would be dirty and it had only started. They walked out together. Her heels resonating on the ground. He could tell she was pissed off too, but she didn’t want to show it to him. “How did you do it?” He asked her while they were walking, with no destination. “How did I do what?” She asked him, putting on her sunglasses. The only thing that could make it worse would be Ben noticing that she was fighting her tears. She didn’t want him to see her eyes turning red. She was so used to living with someone who didn’t care about her that it was hard for her to get used to the idea that Ben really cared for her and he wanted her to be fine. “Not to kill him. He turned everything for his good” She smiled, she would have kissed him if they weren’t walking through the most populated city in the world. “I have lived more than 10 years with it. You get used to that” “I wanted to kill them” She smiled again. “I want to kill them too, but I guess I couldn’t take care of my children from jail” he laughed. He stopped a cab and said an address she didn’t know. “Where are going?” “Does it matter?” He asked her, like she had done the night she took him to the penthouse on sale. She laughed. “I guess it doesn’t” she wanted to kiss him so badly, but only touched his hand between the winter clothes. He caressed her hand softly and stopped only when they arrived. He paid the taxi driver and opened the door for her. “Thank you” she said with a smile on her face. “Will you tell me where have you taken me?” She said as he opened the door. “You’re a smart woman, any idea?” “So… this is your house Superman?” She asked as she entered walking behind him. He closed the door and took her in his arms. “Good morning beautiful” he kissed her and she smiled in the middle of the kiss. “Sorry, I have wanted to do that since I saw you” “me too” he said. She kissed him again, wrapping her arms around his neck as he slid his to her waist, holding her closer to his body. She let out a soft moan as his hands slid under her shirt and caressed her lower back. “You’re not going to show me the place, are you?” She asked, breaking the kiss. “Maybe later” he told her and kissed him again. She didn’t know how he managed to kiss her so softly yet so passionate at the same time. She didn’t feel like sleeping with him. Not that she didn’t want to, she always wanted to sleep with him. But he made her feel so good just by kissing her that she wanted it to last forever.
But footsteps made her stop. “Daddy! Daddy!” A soft voice said and Sarah turned around to see a little brunette girl walking towards them. She step aside so the girl could hug his dad and she looked them with a smile on her face. “Hello Princess, how have you been?” She told him about a movie or something Sarah actually didn’t get. The girl turned around in silence and focused her attention on Sarah now. She kneeled next to Ben to say hi to the girl. “Nice to meet you, I’m Sarah” she told her. Her little girls didn’t like to be treated like babies for strangers, so she guessed it worked the same girl with Ben’s daughter. “Nice to meet you Sarah, I’m Hailey” she replied as she were like 10 years old not only 5. She knew she had a smart kid in front of her and she really didn’t expect it to be other way. She had never imagined Ben as a father, but she was pretty sure he had been doing an amazing work. The girl walked to his father and said something in his ear, but loudly enough that Sarah listened it. “She’s cute” she said and Ben smiled to Sarah. “I know, I like her” he told the kid, standing up and caressed her forehead. “You like my daddy?” Hailey asked Sarah. “Yes, I like your daddy” “Are you going to get married?” She asked making them laugh. “I don’t know” Sarah replied laughing. It was just too much, but she guessed it was cute if it came from a child. “Why don’t you go to play with your dolls for a while?” Ben asked the little girl. “Kay, daddy” she replied and walked away, singing.
“Told you she was going to like you” he said to her as they walked into the kitchen. “She’s cute. I don’t know why you didn’t tell me before” “well, thought the divorce and your kids were actually enough. Didn’t want to add another thing to the list of things you have to deal with” she kissed him. “You care too much about me” “Well, I kind of like you” he said touching her lips with his. “With that kiss I could tell your child likes me more than you” he didn’t laugh as he expected him to do. He walked towards her with a serious look on her face. He hold her from her waist and took her body closer to his. “Hold onto your words Miss Parker” he told her and kissed her passionately, making goose bumps appear all over her body, as every minute passed by. “I still think she likes me more than you do, Mr” she told him so he kissed her again. She smiled as she noticed he was getting as excited as her. “I may change my mind” she said making him laugh. He sat her on the kitchen table and she wrapped him with her legs. “We - we shouldn’t. Your child is here” she told him. “I - I should leave. We can’t” she tried to tell him but his kisses all over her neck weren’t helping. She whispered his name, not knowing if she was asking him to stop or begging for more. “Seriously” she whispered, placing her hands on his chest trying to separate their bodies. “She will listen” “she won’t if we stay quiet” “I don’t think its gonna work” she kissed him and got up from the table, placing her clothes into the right place. They both knew it was impossible for her to not cry his name when they were sleeping together so he agreed. “But I don’t see why you should stay frustrated because of me” she told her with a seductive tone on her voice and held him from the band of his trousers. She slid her hand inside of it and caressed him in a soft way, as he whispered her name in her ear. She kissed him softly as waves of pleasure traveled through his body. He kissed her as they walked out of the kitchen. “Bye Hailey” she said loudly from the door. She turned around to face Ben. “We should totally take our children together someday. I’m sure they will get along” she told him, smiling. “I’m pretty sure of that, if they are as cute as you” he made her smile, because it was his favorite thing to do. “Thank you” she told him. “Tell me when you arrive home” he said to her as he waved from the door.
She knocked on Chris door and hugged her little girls as they opened the door. “I missed you so badly!” She told them. “Mummy, we made cookies!” Tabitha said to her. “That sounds fun!” She said caressing their foreheads. “Want one?” They asked. “Yes, please” the girls gave her a cookie and Tara smiled as she waved to Sarah from the kitchen. “Mmmmh… delicious” she told them and hugged James when he got downstairs. “Hi mum” “hi there” she told him and winked. Chris walked downstairs after her son and hugged her. “How you been buddy?” He asked her. “Was a tough morning, but I’m okay” she answered and walked to the kitchen to say hi to Tara. “You want a coffee?” She asked her. “I’m sure I’ve taken enough of your time in the past days, thank you” “you’re always welcomed and you know that” Chris told her. “Thank you, really” she smiled to the happy couple and couldn’t help but feel happy and jelaous at the same time. “Who wants to go home?” She asked to her children. The little girls screamed and laughed around as they went to look for their bags and James just smiled. She was left alone with Chris, as Tara was helping the girls. “You sure you are okay?” “Well… he doesn’t want the children to stay with me. I’m scared” “you are gonna win that one, I know you are” she nodded. “Not that sure, but thank you” “you’re an amazing mother Sarah” “you’re an amazing friend” she said hugging him bt separated from his body when Tara came back with the children. “We’re ready” Marion told her. “Well… let’s go home” she said smiling. She thank her friends again and left their home with her children, trying to ignore her fear. They were with her and there was just no way she would give up on them.
She had lost track of the time that had passed, but she enjoyed being in the living room just listening to music. The children were in the school and she had some free time for the first time in weeks, so she was determined to enjoy it. She was curled in the big beige sofa as the music poured out, softly. She felt like inside of one of her movies, and she realized she missed acting almost as bad as she had missed her freedom.
She was sat in the middle of the theatre, Matthew was holding her hand. They were there only for her. She was nominated for Best Performance by an Actress in a TV-Series, like in the past two tears. She had been totally surprised when she had won the last year. She couldn’t tell with words the way she had felt. But now she wasn’t really sure she could win. All the cast from Sex and the city had tried to convince her that she was going to win, but she didn’t feel so secure about herself this time. Fights with Matthew had started and they made her feel so insecure sometimes. She looked her husband holding her hand and she kind of hated him; it was her day, she was supposed to feel beautiful, secure, strong. But she felt so small, weak and insecure that she wasn’t even able to let his hand go. “Awards mean more to you than I do” he had told her that morning. “No, they don’t” was all she replied. She knew there was no point on telling him how important he was; when he had decided he was going to fight, there was no way she could convince him of the opposite. “Yes, that’s why you don’t want to have a baby with me, your career and the awards are way more important to you” She had taken another sip of her coffee “Yes, that’s why I hug them every single night, right?” She had replied and had left the kitchen. Her hair had to be done, her make-up had to be done and she had to try the dress. She didn’t have time for that kind of stuff. That was when she realized that maybe she loved her work and the awards more than she loved her husband; but she erased that idea from her mind. Doubting about the love she felt for him wouldn’t make her stop doubting about her chances to win the award. The fight with Matthew faded away from her mind as she listened how they announced she was the winner of that year too. A big smile appeared on her face as she walked to the stage. She saw the members of the cast and winked at them as they smiled to her or gave her little waves, showing their happiness. She was so shocked and happy that words came randomly out of her mouth, but she was pretty sure she had thanked every single important person. She was never going to forget the smile that appeared on Chris face when she said his name. She and Matthew entered the car when the ceremony was done but he was acting really strange. “What’s wrong?” She asked him when he sat on the other window and not in the middle, really close to her. “You almost thanked the nurse that brought you to this world” he said. “Really? You’re mad because of that? I didn’t want to forget someone” and as those words poured out of her mouth she realized it. “Oh my - I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” She told him, trying to hug him, but he denied her touch. They traveled to their home in silence. And she really had almost begged him for forgiveness, but he had taken his pillows and walked away of the room. She threw the award to the floor, as tears came out of her little eyes, wrecking her make-up. He always managed to screw up her important days.
She laughed about it now, but at that moment she had felt really sad. Despite that one, she was really proud of all her awards and she missed being nominated to one. She refused to believe the idea that her time as a successful actress was gone as Matthew insisted to tell her. She wanted another project and more awards, she was not giving up on acting. She was fighting for her children, for her home. Fighting for her career wouldn’t be so hard, it was just a little thing to add to the list. Her manager was already looking for projects but she hadn’t call her in a while, so she decided to pick up the phone and call her this time. The phone rang five times and the machine answered. “Hey Caroline, it’s me, Sarah. I just wanted to know if you have found something. Let me know” she said and hang up when she heard Matthew’s voice behind her. “It’s really nice here, right?” She turned around but didn’t reply to him. They have been only a few words, but she had perfectly understood what he had wanted to say with them. He didn’t only want to keep the children, he wanted to keep the house too; her house, the one she had worked so hard on.
She walked to Ben’s office, she didn’t have an appointment, but she guessed Ben wouldn’t care so much. The guard opened the main door and she knocked on his offices door. It has been almost a month since she didn’t go to that office. She had gotten used to the private one he had rented just because of her. She had gotten used to not knocking doors, and working in between kisses and caresses. But she couldn’t wait to that, she needed to see him, now. He opened the door smiling “I’ll be with you in a moment, Mrs Parker” he said and she almost believed his cold tone. He opened the door five minutes later and a brunette walked out his office and said “thank you mr Levingston” making Sarah smile. She entered his office. “Hey beautiful” he told her, putting the papers in the right place. “Hey Ben” she said, emphasizing his name. She had felt kind of jealous of the brunette for a couple of minutes but that feeling had faded away as the woman said his surname. He walked towards her, smiling because he understood what has been going on inside of her head. “I got used to being your handsome, but I think I can get used to the idea of just being Ben” he said, wrapping his arms around her waist. “It’s good to see you” he said, meeting his lips with hers; but she didn’t kissed him back. “Is everything okay?” He answered and she couldn’t pretend about it anylonger. “He wants to keep the house too” he held her closer to his body, trying to support her. “I - I can’t let him do that” she said, fighting the tears. “I won’t let him do that” he whispered in her ear and she smiled. “I - I” she whispered looking directly to his eyes, despite the fact he was way taller than her. But she didn’t manage to end the sentence, because she couldn’t fight her desire to kiss him any more. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he lifted her up in the air, pressing her back against a wall. “What do you think if we leave?” He asked her caressing her face. “Sounds perfect” she replied and kissed him once more before putting her clothes in the right place before leaving the office.
She whispered his name over and over again as he kept thrusting her passionately. She let out a soft moan as waves of pleasure traveled through their bodies “I love you” she whispered in his ear, caressing his hair as he rested his head on her chest, not moving from inside of her. Their breathing was heavy and she felt her body was extremely relaxed. “I got and idea” he said, leaving small kisses all over her chest, enjoying her reactions. “So far, I like it” she said, wrapping her hands around his arms with strength as caressed really sensitive areas. “Why don’t you move with me?” He said, sliding a hand through her leg. She was too focused on what she was doing to pay attention to his words. “Huh?” Was all she managed to say. He took her arms and placed them above her head and started kissing her. “I know you listened to me” he said, caressing her breasts to then caress her flat stomach and start lowering to suddenly stop. He was torturing her in a really soft way. “Why don’t you move with me?” He asked her again. “It would be nice to wake up by your side” she said and tried to get his attention back to what he was doing a moment before. “That’s not an answer” “it would be a mess, don’t you think?” She asked him. “I don’t think so, that’s why I’m asking it to you” “Ben, it’s too soon” she said, caressing his face but he denied her touch. He just got up from bed, leaving her alone and feeling empty without his body over hers. He entered the bathroom and she knew that they wouldn’t talk or sleep together again that night, so she started picking up her clothes from the floor and left Ben’s house, leaving a small note on his pillow. “I’m sorry, I love you - really” but she wasn’t sure if that would be enough.
As she walked her way back her house, she saw she had a voice message on her phone. “Hey Sarah, it’s Caroline. I found something really good and they’re interested in you. Going to send you the script tomorrow, read it as soon as possible. The filming starts in the autumn. Let me know, bye” the voice of her manager said. She made the calculation in her head, the project was starting in three months. She had to take a decision, and as soon as possible.
Her life was falling apart in little pieces, she wasn’t sure if Ben would still be a part of it, but at least, she had a new project coming.
They didn’t speak for over a weak, which was a pretty long time regarding the fact that they had been seeing each other daily before their little fight had happened. Sarah was not sure whether she regretted this whole thing but had decided to not think about as long as possible. At the end she hadn’t really been able to do that though but she had managed to survive the days without calling him. However she had an appointment with him today and if she wanted the divorce to go on, she would need to face him. She had dressed up very elegant for their meeting and as she entered the buffet, he was already waiting for her. “Sarah” He said and nodded slightly. She replied with a simple Ben and followed him into his office. There was a certain cooleness between them which she hated but wasn’t sure how to stop. Most likely there wasn’t even a way to stop it at least for the morning. “I’ve talked with the lawyer of your husband again and there is no way we’re going to find an agreement. He wants the house and the kid. That’s why I’ve made the court papers ready. You just need to sign them.” He handed them over and gave her a pen. She looked at the little space that wanted to be filled with her signature and she swallowed. If she did this, she would open a horrible battlefield and even uglier words would fly around than before. But she wanted to be free and she wanted her kids. Yes, she loved her house but she could live with loosing it… her kids were another story. Sarah signed the papers and gave them back to Ben- he looked at her and nodded again. “Good. I’m bringing them over to court today.” It seemed like he was about to say something else, but at the end there was nothing. Were there really no words left between them? Because of a little fight? Was it so easy to destroy something? Yes, it was but hadn’t it been something special between them? Even special things break apart, Sarah told herself and stood up. “You call me when you get something new?” “Yes, I will.” “Good, see you then.” He followed her outside as he always did, but this time they didn’t speak a word. A terrible silence. The calm before the storm. As Sarah wanted to step the stairs down, it suddenly happened. The little storm. She tripped and fell all over. For a second she kept laying on the floor. She felt a bit dizzy; she couldn’t even remember if she had screamed. The only thing she felt was someone touching her slightly and saying her name which brought her back to reality. “Sarah? Sarah, are you okay?” Her knees hurt, so did her arm and her head. When you thought about, she couldn’t have fallen worse. She felt the blood flushing through her vains and her heart beating a way too fast. Slowly she got up, just a bit but felt immediately sick because of the pain that rushed through her body. Her eyes closed in order to find some balance but it didn’t really work like she imagined it. “Slowly, slowly. I’m going to lift you up.” As said, Ben lifted her up and brought her back to his office. People were watching as they had noticed what had happened but they both ignored them. He layed her down on the couch in his office and looked at her. “Tell me what hurts the most.” it took Sarah some time to actually realize that he had asked her something, before she finally was able to give a response. “My knees, my arm and I feel incredibely dizzy.” “I guess that’s because of the pain. I’m going to look after something cooling.” She didn’t nod as it would make her feel even dizzier. How the hell had she managed to fell all over herself? Highheels had never been a problem for her and suddenly she couldn’t walk in them anymore? It was embarrassing.
Seconds later he came with something, she couldn’t really say what it was but the coolness on her knees and on her arm felt relaxing. She leaned her head against the couch and closed her eyes for a moment to calm her nerves a bit down. “I’m sorry.” She opened her eyes again and looked at Ben. “For what?” “If we hadn’t had the fight, you probably would have paid more attention.” “Rubbish, it’s not your fault.” “I shouldn’t have asked you anyway.” She knew what he was talking about, but didn’t know how to answer though. Her body felt like a ticking bomb and there were too many thoughts going through her head, so that she wasn’t able to concentrate. Ben in contrast didn’t even expect an answer and watched her carefully. “Shall I call a doctor?” God, no, it’s gonna be just fine. I think I can handle getting a cab.” As a prove, she tried to stand up but felt her knees weakening straight away so that Ben had to hold her. “Or not.” He said and looked at her. “I’m going to bring you home.” “You really don’t need to.” “Your argument is invalid.” Ben said and Sarah smirked a bit. “Okay, okay… I’m not saying anything more, it’s only going to burden me.” “Good girl.”
They walked out of his office together. He was holding Sarah by her tiny waist, pressing his hand against her skin. She smiled, she could feel he was trying to protect her and she couldn’t help but feel guilty and sorry. “I’m sorry” she whispered looking up; his ear was way too tall for her to whisper near it. He looked at her and smiled. She couldn’t see anything in his eyes but tenderness and love. He knew she was talking about what had happened between them a week ago and he couldn’t help but wanted to hug her so tightly to him. He hold her closer, trying always not to hurt her, and kissed her forehead. She smiled. Although every inch of her body hurt it was good to have some contact with him, to feel his hand caressing her waist, but most of all it was amazing to know that things had gone back to normal.
He took her to his car and opened the door for her, she entered in it slowly. She tried to get her seat belt but her arm hurt, and she couldn’t disguise a little cry of pain. He did it for her and passed it by her chest and again she smiled to him. A smile so bright and sincere that could break the world apart. She didn’t know how to thank him, he was doing so much for her. Actually, she was pretty sure that if it weren’t for him, her life would be falling apart even quicker than it already was. The sound of his door closing brought her back to reality. “Thank you” she said, breaking the precious silence that had been surrounding them for a long time. “For everything. I don’t know what I would do without you” he smiled as her soft words poured out of her mouth. She looked so small and weak but she had such a happy expression that made her look strong. “I guess you would have another lawyer” he said with a sad smile on his face. He drove in silence until they reached her street. She was counting the blocks and felt disappointed when she realized they were only three blocks away. She wanted to tell him so many things and didn’t know how to say them. She wanted to kiss him, to hug him although her pain. But she smiled when he turned left in the corner instead of going straight for another half a block. “He wouldn’t be as lovely, intelligent and handsome as you are” she told him when he stopped the car. “Why are you so lovely?” He asked her caressing her cheek. She placed her left hand on his cheek enjoying the feeling of his arm skin against hers. “I love you” she whispered. “I would kiss you right now but I don’t know if it -” he was saying but she placed her finger on his lips. “Do it” she whispered with a devilish look on her face. Ben got closer to her and unbolted her seat belt. She smiled. “It seems promising” she said and laughed softly. He got even closer and placed her lips on hers, caressing her cheek. His lips were moving slowly and she knew he was trying to protect her and she smiled in the middle of the kiss, with his lips still on her and he stopped moving when he felt her smile. “I love you” she said in his lips, looking straight to his eyes. “I love you too” he answered, lost in the blue of her small eyes. She kissed him again, with passion and felt chills when he lowered his hand to her not hurt shoulder. “We should stop, you know that?” She asked not really wanting when he started kissing her neck. “I know” he whispered against her skin but kept kissing her anyway. She laughed and he could feel her laughter against his lips. “Just tell me if you need something” he said and left a small kiss on her lips again before opening his door to then open her and helped her out. He grabbed her by the hip and walked her to her home. She opened the door and left a small kiss on his cheek before entering her house and closing the door after her.
She walked straight to her children rooms and after kissing them good night and having small talks with them she walked to her room to find Matthew there. She didn’t even say hi to him, she walked to the dresser. She looked at herself on the mirror and let out a small cry when she saw her knees and her arm. They were bruised and her right knee had a little bit of blood on it. She left the dresser wearing her night gown and didn’t even look at Matthew. She entered the bed in silence and turned around, not facing him. “He hit you, didn’t he?” He asked and the fake worrying on his voice made her wanted to hit him. “No” she replied still looking at the dresser door. “You’re the only one who had ever hit me” she said, without knowing the effect her words would have. “I have always wanted the best for you. I have always wanted to protect you” he whispered in her ear. “You just didn’t want to be protected by me” She didn’t reply. She knew he had wanted to protect her at the beginning and that made her feel safe, but then she didn’t want to be protected by him, he was right in that. “I loved you Sarah” he whispered but she didn’t break her silence. “I still do” he said placing on top of her. “Don’t you dare to touch me” she said, pushing him by his chest although her right arm was killing her. He wasn’t really strong but she couldn’t move him. “Stay away from me” she screamed pushing him harder. “I just want to love you, to make you feel better” he said, leaving kisses all over her neck. She kept pushing him and hit him on the chest. “You used to like my kisses, remember? You used to ask me not to stop” he said, enjoying what he was doing. She tried to fight his touch, but she couldn’t move him. He moved her legs apart. “No! No!” She cried. “Leave me alone!!” She screamed. She tried to turn around, to be on top of him so she would be able to walk away, to run from him, but she couldn’t move his body. “No! No!” She kept crying, as he caressed her legs. She could feel him growing excited everytime he pressed himself against her and she felt like vomiting. “Get up! Leave me alone!” She told him again, but he just kept caressing her. She didn’t have the strenght to fight him anymore, her completely body was hurting. “No! No” she kept whispering, lowering her tone every single time with her eyes closed. “Mum?!” She could hear her son voice on the door and she felt Matthew’s hands relaxing. “James!!” She cried and run away from the bed, ignoring the pain she was feeling. She opened the door and hugged her little boy. “Are you ok?” He answered, still hugging her. “Thanks to you, I am” she hugged him even tighter and caressed his forehead. They walked upstairs and she couldn’t help but smile when her little son hold her close to him. He took her to his bed and laid next to her. He caressed her hair, as if she was a little girl. “I love you mum” he told her. “I love you too my little man” she answered and hugged his not so little body. She was really sorry that he had to go through so many things being so young, but she was happy he had knocked on her room door. “Thank you” she whispered and fell asleep.
When she woke up the next morning, she felt empty. She wanted to fill the emptiness but there was no way she could do this on her own. So she woke her children up, made them ready and brought them away. The entire time she hadn’t seen Matthew or better yet she hadn’t noticed him at all, so it could have been that he had been there.
After she had brought the children away, she looked for a cab that would bring her to Ben. She hadn’t called him so far that she would come, and she wouldn’t do it. She knew that he was at home and that was everything that counted. Of course it would be a shame if he didn’t have time but she simply hoped that this was quite unlikely.
She drove about 20 minutes. 20 minutes were a very long time. A too long time. Many thoughts were going through her head. She couldn’t do anything about it. Again and again she saw Matthew in front of her eyes and what he had almost done to her- once again. She thought about her children, her house, her career… her entire life. It was a mess, a catastrophe and she had no idea how to calm down the winds. Everything she wanted was a happy life in freedom. But there were so many stones in her way that made it seem almost impossible. What also kind of got her was the fact that her feelings were a total up and down in general. On the one hand she felt happy with Ben, with his love, his kindness and his whole existence but on the other hand she felt nothing but unhappy with Matthew not accepting that their marriage was a wrack, and with him probably taking her kids away, her life. She couldn’t remember that she had felt so divided before and more and more she started to realize that she couldn’t really handle it. It didn’t matter how happy she probably could be, the unhappiness always made its way through it. It didn’t matter what she would do and what she was ready to give up, it felt like she would always loose. Her heart and her head were empty and it needed to be filled up again with love and hope. She knew that her only way to reach this was Ben and then she would be ready to fight again, but for how long? She would break apart again and how long would Ben be there for her? At the moment he said he would always be there for her, but what if things got too much for him one day? What if he didn’t have enough power for himself anymore one day? She would be lost then, she realized now. There was no way she could win this fight without him because she totally relayed on him. He felt like her stone which wasn’t allowed to break away because then she would fall into the darkness. Darkness. Something ugly, something indescribable. She feared the darkness since she had met the darkness quite too much the past weeks. The darkness was a place with nothing left. Not even a glimmer of hope. Darkness was a place that was worse than prison. Darkness was evil, something horrible and…. and what? Darkness was something hard to fight against when you didn’t have a stone. Darkness would kill her. But it wouldn’t kill her very fast, it would kill her slowly… very slowly and it would be painful. Even more painful than it already was. It scared her. Fear was another thing that totally got to her at the moment. She couldn’t let go of it. She was always scared. When she was with Matthew, with her children, even with Ben. The fear of loosing something. The fear of the darkness. The fear of the death. Did she already start being crazy? A silent sob came out of her mouth and she firmly hoped that the driver hadn’t heard it. She didn’t want anybody to see the fear in her, and the darkness that was about to get over her. But she knew that she had to show someone. And that someone was her stone. And her stone was Ben. – Fear again. Would he understand? Would he hold her? Of course he would, wouldn’t he? Why shouldn’t he? Because he doesn’t love me, she thought and another voice screamed in her mind: “Rubbish. He loves you! Why do you always destroy things you’ve just build up?” Right… why did she do that? Probably because she had a special talent for it? Maybe it was her life goal. That sounded absolutely negative. But she had always been a negative person. Okay, no that wasn’t true. She used to be one of those positive girls, but over the years darkness had changed this. Was there a possibility to bring the positivity back? Maybe. Maybe not. If she had her stone, she maybe could reach something. Or not.
She rubbed over her face. Too many thoughts she couldn’t control and couldn’t organize. She needed sleep. No…. she had slept the night. Not very well, but she had slept. What did she need then? Her stone. Love. Warmth. How much more time until she would be at Ben’s apartment? She looked outside and realized that she was only a few blogs away. A few blogs. Not much. Then he, her stone, would be there. She could break, couldn’t she? Maybe she should just stay strong? No… even Sarah was allowed break, wasn’t she? Too many thoughts.
“Ma’am, we’re there.” Sarah nodded, paid and got out of the car. Her head turned around a few times before she walked to the door that would bring her to her stone. She lifted up her arm and held in front of the door but then she hesitated. Maybe she relayed too much on him? Maybe she should try to get back on her own? She wouldn’t be able too. She was too weak, too sick of all of that… and loneliness wasn’t really something she wanted to add to her list. So she knocked. She knocked twice and then stood there, silently and like a little girl. What if she interrupted him? What if he didn’t have any time? No, she had already thought about it… he had always time for her. He loved her. Did he? Sarah closed her eyes. She wanted the thoughts to stop.
Ben opened the door and looked a bit surprised. “Sarah- what..? Hey, is everything alright?” She shrugged. Were things alright? No. They weren’t and wouldn’t be without him. She wouldn’t be able to fight against the darkness, and the loneliness, which she had just added to her list although she hadn’t wanted to. Sarah didn’t want to be scared anymore… she wanted to be safe. “Can I come in?” “Of course, I’m sorry.” He stepped away and let her in. It had been cold outside, but his apartment was warm. He took her coat and she then followed him into the living room.
Should she tell him? Maybe not. Maybe it was just a better idea to pretend things were okay and she had simply missed him. But she hadn’t simply missed him. She had missed him because of specific reasons, because of what had happened, because he was her stone. He was talking to her but she couldn’t understand what he was saying. She heard so many noises and for a moment she even felt like being at the ocean. She had to tell him or she would break apart. He was her stone, he would understand. Yes, he would.
“Help me.” Was the first thing Sarah said and that made him close his mouth. He now knew that something wasn’t alright and that he already should have noticed a long time before.
The silence was overwhelming and tears made their ways up into Sarah’s eyes. She couldn’t do it anymore. She was done. She was so done. “Help me.” she said again but this time a way quieter.
She woke up suddenly, covered in a cold sweat and looked around. She sat in the bed and looked around. Everything was dark and she could barely see Matthew laying next to her, totally asleep. She looked at the clock and couldn’t believe herself; she couldn’t have dreamed all that stuff in only two hours. Images of her dreams came back to her mind, making her shake a little bit. Things with Matthew hadn’t been at their best, but her dream was really the worst nightmare she had ever dreamed.
She walked away from the bed and went upstairs directly to her children rooms. She stayed there, watching them asleep and couldn’t help but smile. It was true that she hadn’t wanted to be a mother after what had happened with Robert’s baby, but at that moment she was perfectly sure that those three little kids with relaxed faces on their beds, were for sure the best that had ever happened to her. Although she never prayed too much, she thanked God for her children. “You mean the world to me” she whispered and then kissed their foreheads, before leaving their rooms to walk back to hers.
She entered the bedroom and turned on the little lamp placed on her night table. Matthew moved on the bed and placed himself closer to her. She smiled; she wanted her freedom back so she could feel like herself once again, but she felt guilty for the things she had dreamed about moments ago. Matthew had bad temper, had put her through terrible things and moments and even had cheated on her, but she was pretty sure he would never try to have sex with her against her will, less take away the children like that. “I’m sorry” she whispered and smiled when Matthew wrapped an arm around her tinny waist. She didn’t love him like she had done in the past, neither did he; but the last thing that she wanted was to end as foes with the father of her kids. It wasn’t going to be easy, but she was going to try her best to hold a good relationship with Matthew after the divorce. “Maybe I should tell him, talk with him about it” she thought, as she turned off the light. A mutual divorce was way less complicated and shorter. They would have meetings with their lawyers and would try to reach an arrangement that would make them all as happy as possible; anyway she knew both of them would have to make sacrifices. But she was sure it wasn’t the best choice. Matthew would want to keep the children with him too, and he still had a lot of things to say against her in court. She couldn’t risk to lose the kids. She could give him the house, but she wasn’t giving up on her children, no matter how hard she had to fight for them. She fell asleep, feeling guilty again because of her thoughts when her husband was laying next to her without knowing she wanted the divorce.
The next evening Ben opened the door of his office for her and she couldn’t help but smile as goose bumps appeared on her skin when he took her hand on his. Images of her dream came back to her mind in the moment his skin touched hers. His hands caressing her in the most intimate ways possible, his lips teasing every inch of her skin, his voice calling her name in ecstasy. She trembled a little bit and felt guilty when she realized she wished all those things had happened for real. It had been definitely, the pleasant part of her terrible dream. “Sarah?” Ben’s voice brought her back to reality. “Sorry, did you say something?” She asked him, making herself focus on reality; she could let herself think about how Ben had made love to her in her dream later, now she had to concentrate on the divorce; it was her priority even if her body tried to make her think that there was nothing she needed more than Ben’s hands traveling through her skin. “Focus, Sarah” she told herself and smiled to him. “I was asking you if everything’s okay, you seem to be far away” he told her and she smiled. Only a couple of meetings and he already knew her. “Yes, sorry” “it’s okay, don’t worry” he told her. “I’ve been thinking, and I can let him keep the house, I’d rather keep it myself but I’ll manage if he wants it - I can always move to the apartment that’s in sale” she made a pause, looking at him. “But I can’t lose my children Ben - I just…” her mouth was still opened but no sound came out of it. The idea of losing her three little kids took her breath away. “That’s not gonna happen” he said, placing his hands on hers. She smiled to him. “You’re supposed not to make promises” “it’s not a promise, it’s a fact” she smiled and listened with all her attention to what he was telling her. He looked so smart and secure while explaining her everything they were going to do, to keep the children and the house with her. She couldn’t help but smile, he looked really cute to her eyes. She could tell, because of his tone and his look, that he cared for her. She wasn’t simply a client more, she was important to him and that made her feel amazing. Someone cared about her; she had something to fight for, something worthy to stay strong.